2000-11-14 - 19:37:14
So where do I go from here?

Okay: now I can gripe about the moving thing ... second posting of the day.

There are two people who really, really want me to live with them, starting in January. One of these people is my brother (Azash), and the other person is my best friend from Eastern Oregon (Hildegaard). His current lease is up in January, and he never wants to see the people he's currently living with ever again. She's living with her aunt, so she doesn't exactly have a must-out time, but the environment and situation out there is really bad for her.

So, there are three choices. (1) Find an apartment with Azash, someplace between his job and mine. (2) Find an apartment here with Hildegaard. (3) Find an apartment the three of us can share.

There are several problems involved in making this choice. First of all, my family would be furious at the idea of my brother sharing an apartment with any girl (even Hildegaard, who is two years his elder and not interested). Secondly, Azash wouldn't like the idea of us all sharing an apartment much either. He's not very comfortable around her.

That leaves me with choosing BETWEEN them. When you get right down to it, I know this is a knee-jerk choice: in a battle of family vs. friend, family will ALWAYS win. (My family is VERY clannish). It's just that I don't want to deal with the negative repercussions of that choice.

How can I, as Hildegaard puts it, "throw her over for" Azash, when she is stuck out in that microscopic little town, with only a bunch of nonChristian drugaddicts for friends, and a 24/7 work schedule? No, I'm not being judgemental of the friends. She says they've been very supportive for her, and I thank God they were there for her after she was attacked. Thanks to them, she didn't fall apart; she's still with us. All the same, as the old saw goes, it's so much easier to be pulled down than to pull someone up. She needs a little balance, and someone to go to church with her ... (she's told me this herself). There's just no one out there.

She says she won't move at all unless I'm available to be her roommate. This puts the responsibility squarely on my shoulders, as if the decision to move is actually mine to make for her. I told her that I don't want to ditch her, but what can I do? My brother must move at the beginning of January, no questions, and he needs a roommate. So she said that if he can't find another roommate in time, she'll take it as a sign from God that she's not supposed to move yet.

AaaargH! *pulling hair* I couldn't just tell her that Azash is really excited about the idea of moving to Tigard with me and getting a computer network set up in our apartment and he's already starting to mentally schedule all the things we're going to do now that he has money. (At least, until he finds a girlfriend). He's not looking for another roommate. He told me that in the last 2 years, going to school and working in Wilsonville, he's met only ONE guy that he ever wants to see again, and that guy is stuck in a lease there and can't move. Only one friend. Good grief; that's sad. No wonder he's been bored and lonely.

So I know what I have to tell her. But I detest being put in this situation. And I'm worried that she'll think this means I don't want to live with her. (She told me not long ago that despite how close we are as friends, she still feels she has to earn my friendship).

Don't I have any normal, self-assured friends? Hello? Anybody?

...No? *sigh* Oh well, I'm not either. Guess that's why we all get along ... like some psychotic soap opera family maybe, but hey.