2000-11-16 - 13:23:45
Debugging my mental processes

*sipping thick coffee* mMmmm, what would I ever do without caffeine. I am not now, and never will be, a morning person. That's another reason why I hate desk jobs. They get all disgruntled if you're not punctual on a regular basis. What, 8:05 or 8:15 or once-a-month 8:45 isn't good enough? It's not like I don't make up the time at the end of the day. I certainly don't mind hanging around until 5:30, it gets real quiet around here by then and getting stuff done is a lot easier. It's not like I have much of a social life to miss out on that way.

Although, my brother has started inviting me over regularly on Wednesday nights to watch whatever new DVDs he just bought (This week was Titan AE and Frequency), but I hardly think that counts as a steady date. =) He lives 23 minutes or so from my place-of-residence, though, and everyone else lives more like 45 minutes plus. That's some round trip on mostly-unfamiliar roads in the dark. And of course I can't invite anyone over where I am now. And I have this little unfortunate personality quirk: I was born shy, and my mother raised me "proper"; these are difficult habits to ditch. If you don't specifically invite me, with a time set and everything, I'm not going to visit. I have this fear of "arriving at a bad time." Maybe when I move to Tigard in January, things will get better.

D'you know, on most days, I have no idea if what I'm feeling is really what I'm feeling, or if the environment is messing with me again ... On sunshiney days, I'm happier; on cloudy days, I'm more depressed; whenever the weather changes abruptly, like it did night before last when everything cleared off suddenly, I get a monster sinus headache and just try getting me to focus properly on my work or smile at anyone; certain feminine processes keep me on mood swings two weeks out of five; and I get snappish if I haven't eaten in awhile. That's just scratching the surface. No wonder I don't like letting people in on what's really going on with me. I'm far more volatile than most people would give me credit for, and it's embarrassing.

More than that: When Hildegaard was here last, she was tense the entire time. Whenever I was around her, and she was tense, my muscles would all knot up. Whenever she'd relax, I'd suddenly notice I wasn't tense; "Hild, are you feeling better?" "Yup, Shell, how'd you know?" And then whenever she was thinking about what had happened to her, I would get nauseous. Every damn time. It was just a wee bit spooky. No, I don't believe in ESP. She's been my friend for four years now; I think I know her normal behaviour well enough, I was just picking up subconsciously on her body language. By the time she left, I had knots in my neck, my appetite was all messed up, and I had trouble sleeping.

Where'd my thick skin go? I need it back! I don't mind empathizing with people, but I wish I had more control over what it does to my body.

No wonder I have trouble making decisions that affect people, and sometimes when I do, I just take somebody's advice, convince myself that it works, run with it, and then duck for cover and hope I didn't hurt anyone too much. *rubbing temples* There's one thing in particular I decided by email (stupid, stupid) that's been nagging at my mind ever since. Only way to figure out if I did right, is to see more of the person involved; sitting out here is getting me nowhere. *twiddling thumbs* But visiting (by myself, without invite) sends messages; I'm not sure what all those messages are, or if I want them sent yet, so here I sit, stuck in the quicksand of indecision.

Damnit, no, I'm not hinting anything at anybody. I'm just trying to work some things out in my brain. That's what a diary is for, isn't it? Aiming one's diary at any person in particular defeats the purpose.

Anyway. I'm supposed to be delving into the innards of a database this morning (fun, fun) so I'm logging off for now.