2001-02-12 - 17:27:55
Layout changes and personality ponderments

There. Despite my lack of time, I made a few quick changes to this site. Do you like the new graphic? And is the "old worries" page at all improved? Do I need anybody's opinion, really? *laughter*

Well, I like the changes; although I'll be the first to admit that the "old worries" page needs MORE changes to look really decent. That'll have to wait until I have the time to do more than switch graphics (I had to put the kitten somewhere!), delete the background, and change the link colors.

*sigh* I was pondering again today on the topic of being reserved/shy, and whether that's all my INFJ personality or whether it's a result of my chaotic social life between ages 5-12, or whether my personality is a result of that chaos, and whether it's all a bad thing.

My mother seems to think it's a bad thing. She always bemoans the fact that I have the same personality that she does (she commented on this even before we both took the Meyers-Briggs and both came out as INFJ) and how difficult it is for her to socialize, and how much effort she puts out to overcome that, and how I don't put out nearly enough effort.

I'm not sure about it yet. The fact that I attended 6 different schools in the first 8 years of my education (most as a result of my mother "comparison shopping" for a school that could effectively deal with my intelligence), was constantly stigmatized both for my continual new-kid-ness and for the special attention I got from the teachers, and endured a 2,000 mile move away from my friends and our extended family at age 10, did more than just encourage me to be reserved.

My experiences gave me a sort of watchfulness, a perception of things that a lot of people don't have the patience for. I pick up lots of details wherever I go ... a very useful skill for a hopeful writer.

My mother and I have this little game going: she changes at least one thing in the house between each visit, sometimes dozens of things. And then, when I visit, she waits to see how long it takes me to notice each change. Usually, I catch most of them, no matter how small, during my first walkthrough of each room. It's not something I study at doing; the details just leap out at me.

I often deal the same way with people. Especially my friends. When I know someone well, I can usually tell what their exact emotional state is without putting much of my attention on the matter, just from the details: not only facial expression, but also tension of muscles, body position, tone of voice, those sorts of things. I don't really check for those things, either; it's more I just know something, and then I can try and pick out why I know that, from the details. Of course, that tells me nothing about the REASON for the emotion ... something that gets me into trouble more often than not; and sometimes I'm wrong. But the percentage of rightness is pretty high.

It also gets me into trouble when I meet people whose cues don't conform to the ones I know. Suddenly, I have no idea whether they were serious or not when they said some teasing/cutting remark, or whether they genuinely like me, or whatever ... and it sets me uneasily adrift. Suddenly, I don't know what to do. Email is a lot like that. Without cues, I'm no longer sure how to respond. It's hard to "just be myself" when I'm used to automatically editing myself to the expectations and moods of others.

That sounds worse than I mean it to be ... it's not like I'm a chameleon or anything. I do have a "self" that I don't betray or change. But the surface stuff, the little stuff that doesn't matter ... I usually try to present my most inoffensive face to each situation and person, so as to disturb others as little as possible. There's little point in being contrary or disagreeable unless it matters. I'd much rather be a person who makes others happy than one whom others have to make happy.

Note: This doesn't always entirely apply in dating situations. The dynamics there are different!

Also, it's hard to be observant when you're the center of attention ... and I'm not comfortable being the center of attention, anyway. Most of the experiences I've had with being the center of attention were negative.

My mother tries so very hard, and nearly every one who meets her loves her to death, but she exhausts herself with her constant socializing and rounds of dinners with church members and so on. In fact, even she has started pulling out a little in recent years, spending more time with Dad and family and relaxing, instead of the social whirl ... and she's a much happier person for it.

To sum up, I like who I am, reserved or not. Perhaps I'm harder to get to know than many people, and I don't have such a vast quantity of friends as many do; but I do have many friends, and I care about each one of them, and they seem to care about me despite my "reserve".

... and one day, I will be a published author. I think that's worth sitting in the wings, instead of in the spotlight.