2001-06-11 - 9:19 a.m.
Ramblings on friendship

No, I haven't given up again ... 3-day weekends, remember? That may change today (if our apt. finally gets DSL) but even if it does, I'm not sure I will update on the weekends. I rather enjoy my freedom from the Real World, when I can get it, and that includes D-Land. If I post to my diary, it's too tempting to read the diaries of others I know, and *that* can ruin my day in a hurry. It's extremely frustrating to want to help, but be completely unable to.

Even if I tried ... *sigh* It really chafes when people put limitations on their friendships.

Example 1: There's someone that I inadvertently hurt last autumn ... in the end, after reflection, I can see that it came down to comfort levels. He's an all-or-nothing kind of guy, unwilling to accept the stages between nodding acquaintance and complete emotional commitment. (Or so it always seems to me; he's even told me something of the sort). I am unable to offer that kind of instant support, without an equal response ... and the different stages our lives are in make that extremely unlikely. So I pulled back, he took umbrage, and then my temper kicked in. Poof. No more friendship. I cannot give all, and he will not take anything less, so it's nothing. Despite all that, I still can't help wanting to do something, anything, to help him out.

Example 2: One of my best friends, someone I've been close to for half a decade, has suddenly decided that we stand on opposite sides of the Class barrier, which is ridiculous. I don't care if she grew up poor and fatherless, and I had a standard middle-class two-parent home. It never made any difference before. It seems like she's using it as an excuse to cover up the fact that the life she's living right now is not good for her, but she does not want to admit it. Since I am concerned about her, all that gets converted into SHELL = SNOB. She didn't call me for five weeks after I visited her for her birthday, and due to her work schedule and habits my calls never reached her directly. Finally, I heard from her on Friday morning ... but although she chattered cheerfully about little nothings and promised to visit me next month, she deflected me each and every time I tried to talk about anything serious, even about whether she was still upset at me. But she has been like a sister to me ever since we met, and we've had bigger squabbles before. This sudden pulling-back is ridiculous! All I said was that I didn't like going to bars, and that it was dangerous for her to go so often (and usually alone), even though she hasn't had more than Coca-Cola in a bar since a Certain Disastrous Event. She decided that was a Class Judgement and that Her Kind Of People Belong There. What the hell? I just don't want anything else bad to happen to her, she's lived through enough already.

Example 3: My two high school best friends, who swore we would all keep in touch forever, dumped me extremely suddenly five years ago, only one year out of high school. It *still* stings. Their reason? Well, we were on our way back from an outing to the beach and they began discussing one of the environmental groups who were chaining themselves to trees to protest logging. I know people whose parents' livelihoods depend on the industry, and tend to favor a more gradual decrease in logging, so I chimed in with a comment about people being more important than trees. "Oh no they're not!" one of them exclaimed. The rest of the trip was a little strained ... and I haven't heard from either since ... even when I sent them letters. How ridiculous is that? Dumped for a bunch of trees!!!

Whatever happened to the middle road? What ever happened to patience and understanding? Am I automatically cursed because I try to get along with everyone, and am trying to lift myself free of negativity? Can someone tell me what I'm doing wrong?

*shaking head* But enough of that for now.

My computer is up and running at home again, so tonight I will be spending several hours inputting my checkbook data again and figuring up my bills. I expect to be several hundred dollars short this month (insurance is coming due) but I suppose I'll manage somehow. I always do. I may be one paycheck from disaster, but so far that paycheck has always come, and next month I will be getting a 5 percent raise. Maybe now I can build up that 3-months'-worth-of-bills savings account they always advise you to have. *grin*

Not much other news in my life just now. I watched "Evolution" this weekend; it was funny and inventive, although not the best movie I've ever seen. I was also mildly surprised by the view we got of David Duchovny's bottom end; but then, I always forget that he did porn before he did X-files. So did Gillian Anderson, for that matter. It surprised me when I first heard that, but it's a matter of public record, and much fan discussion ... which makes it mildly hilarious that they were both picked for something entiled X-files. *snort*

Oh, and I'm hosting a Writing Workshop on Fridays now for my friend Jocasta and I. We're starting to write a Regency romance novel together (she says romances are the best route to quick cash) and I'm churning through more of my novel. Maybe one day it'll get done, and take off, and I can retire from work altogether. As frustrating as it can be sometimes, writing is far more enjoyable to me than the daily grind. (Can you tell?) =)

Alas, the grind is still there, and beckons to me ... Until tomorrow, dear reader(s).