2001-12-09 - 5:11 a.m.
In the dark hours before dawn, when my brain turns to mush, and my musings get away from me ...

I just came across a really old quote that startled me, for a moment.

"If you love something, set it free ...
... if it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was."

I don't know why it struck me so, today; at least, if I do know, it's nothing I can quickly summarize. But just for a moment, it reminded me of my ex-fiance. Just a flash: I believe my exact thoughts were something along the lines of, "If he had done that for me ... if he had backed off when I needed it, given me space when I asked for it ... I probably would never have broken up with him."

It's been years and years ago, now, since it ended; four and a half, I think, to be precise. I spend the first year or so in despair and anger. Then came lots of talking to people, and a couple of months of anti-depressants, before I realized it was time to for the grieving period to be over, and the forgiving, of both my ex and myself, to begin. It's been a long road of healing, loneliness, and personal growth ever since.

Lately, especially in the aftermath of each wedding I attend, I wonder if it'll ever be me, in the white dress with the ring and the bouquet and the happily-ever-after. I think that's why the ex came to mind so readily, today; Madman's wedding was only a month or so, ago, and the topic's been fresh in my mind.

Is it silly, to believe in soulmates? I coined a theory, back before my first boyfriend, that people are like puzzle pieces, that are constantly changing shape as they learn and grow. The challenge is complex; not only must you find the person that fits you, you must find them at the right time in order to match up properly, and then you must make sure that in future, you both change together, lest you grow apart. So you could theoretically have several potential soulmates; it's when you meet which one(s), that determines which of them is realized.

Sometimes, I still believe that. It's that whimsical part of me, that has me thinking lately, that perhaps there's a good reason for this long dry spell in my romantic life. I mean, it's not like I'm still young and innocent anymore, sitting around like the princess in the tower waiting for her white knight to announce himself. Still virginal, yes, but not innocent; I've heard, seen, and read things that my pre-college and pre-boyfriend self would have fainted at. And I am most definitely not disinterested in men, or in sex.

I've always prayed, since I was a young girl in my mother's house with my name-plaque hanging on the wall above my junior-high math trophies, that when I met the man I was really going to marry, we'd both be ready for it. So am I getting what I asked for? Am I being kept from meaningful romantic relationships, because there's something I have yet to learn or experience, that I'll need to form a true bond with the man I marry?

Call it silly and superstitious, or say it's entirely my own fault for not getting out more and looking harder for someone to date. Either might be true, and my musings entirely bogus.

... Or not. Which reminds me, oddly enough, of a site I stumbled across through a webring the other day, on being a Christian Witch. I'm not saying I agree with the site, because I don't, but before you have a knee-jerk reaction to the word Witch, read the site, especially the "Hard Questions" section. (Note: 24 hours later, half the pages on the site are down. If you can't link through, that's why. Weird.) It's very informative, honest, and well-thought out. Anyway, one point she brings up is the fact that magick is pretty much just ritualized prayer. Wiccans just pray to non-Christian deities; don't Christians have their own form of "magick"?

The "ritualized prayer" concept isn't so far out, when you think about it: the Eucharist, baptism, spiritual gifts like prophecy and speaking in tongues ... I could go on and on. A lot of mysticism already exists in Christianity, and when you get into the more high-Church branches like Catholicism, the line gets really blurry. Anyway. Not my argument, I'll shut off the "devil's advocate" part of my brain now. But I was reminded of all this because I suspect folks like the author of that site would say that by repeating that prayer, over so many years, in the same circumstances each time, makes for a particularly effective bit of "ritualized prayer", and that I'm right to wonder.

At this point, my common sense reasserts itself, and says wryly, Rampant paranoia, Shell. And yet. And yet. The less-sensible part of me, the part responsible for my INFJ personality designation, whispers back, But you never really know, do you? Until something is proven true or false, it's always possible.

Silly, silly Shell; that's me. Silly, stressed Shell, who is more uncertain than ever what her future will bring. Silly, happy, Shell, who is more confident than ever that whatever it brings, will eventually be of the good, and lead to nice things like chocolate-brown leather jackets, wedding rings, and a spring in her step.

Too many musings; not enough truths discovered yet. Time to shut off my brain entirely now before I end up being even more embarrased when I reread this entry tomorrow.

*yawn* Good night, and God bless.