2002-04-10 - 12:17 p.m.
Secret Ambitions

What am I doing at this job? I don't think anyone even noticed that I didn't come in until 11am this morning. (It was another one of those miss-set alarm, coming down with something, didn't wake up mornings). I'm taking care of a few major projects my super doesn't have time for, sure, but aside from that?

I found out this week that my brother's out of a job halfway through June. That's when the funding for his position runs out. They've another part-time position for him that will start up in September, and by the time that one ends in November they'll have funding for a full-time position for him, but from mid-June through September he'll be officially "laid off". He's all nonchalant about it, claiming he'll just save up money between now and then to supplement unemployment, but I'm getting that creepy worried feeling already.

Azash tries to keep his checkbook balanced in his head. If our rent money depends on him remembering not to buy those DVDs he wants every week, we're screwed already.

I'm tempted to wonder if he might have AD/HD. I'm pretty sure he doesn't though; I think he's just incredibly stubborn about things. He'd rather play Everquest than do chores and he'd rather not waste the time totting up his spending properly so the important things don't get done.

As for me, as soon as my health insurance kicks in May 1st, I'm scheduling an appointment with a doctor. I am *NOT* going to go to my old family doctor again, though. He's been my parents' primary doctor forever and he also goes to their church, as do half the staff at his clinic. That's just gossip waiting to happen. I got a recommendation from a co-worker about a doc here in Salem she likes, so I think I'll call him.

I need two things from him; I need a prescription for Claritin or a Claritin-lookalike for my cold urticaria, so I can go white water rafting this summer without worrying that I'll break out in hives. Then, I need to discuss AD/HD with him. I've ordered a few books and printed up some checklists so I'll have something to show him, and I won't just sit there going "Uh, well ..." because I've forgotten half the points I wanted to make. If he's clueless about diagnosing, I'm sure he can refer me to somebody who's not.

My biggest fear is that he'll accuse me of being faddish and indulging in wishful thinking as an explanation for laziness. But then, I'm always worried about people not taking me seriously, especially on important issues, and this is something I'm dead certain of. Still, I'll have to make it clear I'm not looking for a prescription hand-out, nor is it personality issues; I know what *those* are like, both from personal experience with depression and from past observation of variously diagnosed friends and family.

Speaking of white water rafting, I wonder whatever happened to Antarctic Boy. It's been a good two years and more since the last time I saw him. He's supposed to be on his way back from his second Antarctic tour by now, but Nappy, who is supposed to be his best friend, hasn't heard from him in months. Men! *sigh*

I wish courthouses were open on weekends. I need to register to vote in this county, and I'm going to spend some of the remainder of my tax refunds on a passport. My mother keeps telling me it's a stupid thing to do, spending that much money on something I won't even use anytime soon, but it's important to me. It's another rung on that Ladder of Ambition. It's another step towards the future I want. And it saves me from future panic and worry when I really *will* need one.

Because I will. Sometime in the next few years, Hildegaard and I are going to take a trip to Europe. Not a tourist vacation, a bonafide journey. It'll probably be after she (finally) graduates from university, two and a half years from now. We'll take a month off and just go, sans hommes, and just breathe in air that isn't American. It'll probably be more expensive than a tourist trip, but we want to do the random travel thing, picking a bed and breakfast wherever we stop, then ambling around on foot seeing what's there. Stay another day if it's interesting. Move onward if it's not. That kind of thing.

It's funny how similar our families are, and yet so very different. Both are supportive, but where hers is all gung-ho and wants to plan the trip with her, mine is all "Someday" and talks about other things I'll probably need the money for. Bleh. They mean well, but it just contributes to the fly-in-a-web feeling I get sometimes. Bugger sensible. I want to enjoy life a little, you know?

First I'll need the money, though, so I'd better make like I'm enjoying work. *rolling eyes* Later.