2002-05-02 - 10:05 a.m.
Different kinds of fun for everyone, I guess.

It was suggested to me este maņana that I should perhaps leave my games with nailpolish to the weekends. Aw, really? You mean my iridescent bluish-purple fingernails aren't appropriate to an office? *laughing* C'mon. A girl's got to have fun once in awhile. And it wasn't a serious criticism, so no sulking for me. Maybe I'll paint them something normal next week.

I'm going to give up on the no-Internet-at-work thing. I'll just severely limit the personal-fun Internet use to a few break-time minutes. I can't just suppress all my "Oh! I must post this!" thoughts and expect to remember them at night, especially when I'm tired; that just leads to no-entry days like yesterday. I know, that increases the risk that my supervisor might find this, but THBT to that. If she's going to find it, she has already, and I'm already screwed. *shrug*

The weather's gone all soft and grey again. That's not such a bad thing, especially in spring, when things are beginning to bloom. It might not be a big help for my seasonal allergies, but it's beautiful to look at. I hear that Oregon weather patterns are much like Britain's; good. When I eventually visit, I ought to feel right at home! (Ah, wishful thinking).

I found out yesterday that the technical name for seasonal allergies is seasonal allergic rhinitis. Ick. Gives me mental images of an ailing, disgruntled beastie of large size and tough skin, bearing a weapon on its nose. I wouldn't want to be an animal handler at a zoo on critter sick days for all the tea in China. (And just where did that expression come from, I wonder? All the tea in China? *shaking head* I pick up the strangest metaphors sometimes).

Anyway. I picked it up doing a little research into the disabled/disadvantaged population that my company serves. The only real disability I've ever encountered (besides normal ones like legal blindness and accidentally lost limbs) is AD/HD, and that, IMHO, isn't particularly severe as disabilities go. So I pulled up a random listing of medical diagnoses in our patient database, sans names, and started researching them on the 'Net.

With luck, I won't get roasted for the 'Net-use part, because I really am learning a lot, and it is work-related. There are all kinds of bizarre things one's body can do to one that I had never really thought about or encountered before. Eek. Makes me a little queasy about the prospect of having children in the future, given how many things can go wrong. Of course, that's me being pessimistic; the chances of having a child disabled from birth is actually relatively small, and I'm just worried that God will decide to give me one as a "making you a better person" exercise.

Having a strict religious/moral framework in my life has at times been confining, but I mostly appreciate it, as I've said earlier. However, if there were one teaching I would wish that I have never been taught, it's that one. The idea that anything difficult that happens to us is God's idea of testing us and stretching our limits, often reinforced by that ever-popular verse:

"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." (1 Corinthians 10:13 NIV)

Notice how this verse is mostly about temptation, not difficult life tasks. Somehow, though, it's the one that got drilled into me in Sunday school during all the lessons about getting tested and not bending under the pressure. Mix that with all the lectures I got about persons of above-average talent having more expected of them than Joe Normal, and it congealed into a deep-rooted, low-level anxiety that God was always going to throw a wrench in the works of anything I really, really wanted, just to make sure that I would reach whatever potential I had in store.

Don't get me wrong; I like the verse, and the thought expressed in it is helpful and supportive at times. I especially like the older translation; the rhythm and flow of 17th century English is much more effective for me. "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it." (1 Corinthians 10:13 KJV)

The KJV "Above that ye are able" has much more positive connotations to it than the NIV "beyond what you can bear", doesn't it? "Able" puts the verse in the mind-frame of things I DO, an impression of activity, while "bear" puts it in the context of things done TO me, which is all about passivity. *shudder*

Wait a minute. Did I just go preachy in my diary? *sigh* One part faith, one part training, one part argumentative nature; I don't think I'll ever get rid of the impulse to poke around at the bare bones of Christian belief and teachings. I had the opportunity, my sophomore year at university, to start on a joint Biblical Studies / Computer Science degree, and actually considered it for awhile. (Then I met Weatherman and many of my serious ideas about my future danced out the window). I'd have made a lousy career churchman, I think, but I'd have really enjoyed the faith-analysis parts of the training.

Well, I've used up my break-minutes, and I have a meeting coming up. Later!