2002-05-02 - 3:27 p.m.
Shall I try for the third degree? *laughing*

Ooh, bad Shell. Two entries today; one for my ten-o'clock break, and one now, for my three-o'clock break. But,well, there are always things I have to "talk out" to make sense of, or moments of glee to share, and given that there's only myself to talk to ...

*sigh* Was it a whole year ago that I started whining about missing academics, and how I wanted to go to graduate school for the 2002-2003 school year? I put it off, of course, and then it flared up again post-9/11 when I was feeling very dissatisfied with my state of life and my imminent joblessness. Then I put it off again, as I was certain that my new place of employment would be disgruntled to lose me so soon.

Well, it's past all possible deadlines now. I'd have to plan to enter grad school in the Fall 2003 term, aged 25 1/2, in all likelihood still single and inadequately employed, with no means of supporting myself while acquiring a new degree. I'd have to attend a university that (a) was public and therefore comparatively cheap, (b) had housing available for graduate students, and (c) was in-state, so as not to incur nonresident fees. That way I could fund myself entirely on federal student loans if I had trouble getting a scholarship or assistantship.

My undergraduate degrees really only qualify me for graduate degrees in the computer science or writing/lit fields, and I have trouble now dredging up interest in either one. I am having extreme difficulty with availability, quality, and interest factor of employment in the former, and the massive portfolio requirements for graduate degrees in the latter send my mind running in little panicked circles. However, I really do want to go back to school, as much for learning as for improving my job future. So ...

... I had a brainstorm today. What about linguistics? It's a field that can encompass elements of both of my undergraduate degrees, and has the added advantage of being a topic I have been fascinated with for half of my life. If I take the GRE this year and pick up another year of language at community college before Fall 2003 (probably French), it won't take long to catch up with the students that already have a BA in linguistics.

The University of Oregon happens to fill all the subrequirements necessary for me to even consider attending graduate school, and happens to be highly recognized in the linguistics field. The idea is giving me that "I think I can I think I can" urgent feeling. Another fad of mine? Probably. Remember me wanting to join the Navy last year? *laughing* But ...

*sigh* There's a popular song on the radio right now that contains the lyrics "It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you've got." Well, I don't, and I can't. I won't unless I clear the foundation and build again, with a plan and a purpose instead of a haphazard accretion of half-desired accomplishments. I've known this for what, most of my life? Regrets are painful, and what-ifs are more mockery than tragedy, IMHO. I don't want to look back ten years from now and think, "I'm not young anymore, and look how far I am from where I would like to be." I already have enough problems with that attitude, and I'm only 24.

I wonder what my parents would say? Mom and Dad would probably mentally tot up my probable expenses for a two-year masters' degree ($28,000 or so), add them to my current student loan debt (nearly $25,000), then tell me "do what you feel is right" with their expressions carefully schooled in that parentally disapproving, "Is she crazy?" manner that has inhibited me ever since I was little.

Granddad would probably be happy with it, as he loves to brag on young intelligent relatives, and I'm currently only outstripped education-wise by one second cousin with a scholarship to med school. Granddad has at least one graduate degree himself, I'm pretty sure, and was a high school science teacher for a number of years after serving in WWII. He might be miffed at me for choosing U of O, however, instead of his grad school, OSU. *grin*

As for Azash ... Well, it would be the end of my living with him. I wonder if he'd find other friends, or move back in with Mom and Dad? *shrug* He keeps saying he wants to go to Utah for a geology degree anyway. Put up or shut up time, perhaps? He'll never do it if someone doesn't give him a good hard kick in the arse.

This is me, standing in the middle of a grade school playground, hands in my jean pockets, absently looking down while kicking wood chips around with the toe of my sneaker. Well, not really, but that's the self-image that comes to mind when I'm pondering like this.

... Now what do I do?