2002-05-09 - 11:21 a.m.
I just signed fifteen months of my life away ...

Damn it! I've just committed myself to working here until August 2003! That's a year and a half away! *beating head on desk* Argh.

I came into work today with lots of ideas bouncing around in my head and the freaky sensation that I'd finally hit my stride with this job; a lot of the areas I was tentative in due to lack of knowledge have recently cleared up, and I've been getting some things done. So I went into my weekly meeting with my supervisor with a relatively cheerful aspect and a list of things to talk about.

It came out half-way through that she's going in for surgery next January, and is really counting on me to bridge the gap while she's recuperating, and to start organizing everything for her ahead of time. Uh oh, thought I, she doesn't really have time to train someone else before then, especially given the office move coming up ... And then we got into talking about the conference, and I remembered the whole future-goals part.

It came into my head that I should tell her I might need to rearrange my schedule before too long to accommodate classes at the community college, and of course then I had to tell her why; that I'm intending to go to graduate school in Fall 2003, and I have to take prep classes for it. She got all interested and concerned and asked me what I'd study and what I'd do when I graduated from there, and then thanked me for warning her so far ahead about when she'll need to plan to work in a new assistant, and ...

Shee-it. No way I can wriggle out now and not end up smelling like a manure pile. I'm stuck here. The bonds of obligation are chaining me to the roster. I'm too nice for my own good ...

*sighing* Not that it's all that bad here, or anything, just ... like I keep saying, I'm so not secretary material, and half the time she and I don't even speak the same language.

Hmm. There is a bright side to this whole mess, however. Now that certain of my movements are written in stone for the next fifteen months or so, I have a framework to hang the rest of my plans on. No more up-in-the-air about whether I'll still be around to do X activity six months from now. And maybe I'll have a chance after all to pay off at least one of my credit cards this year. That would be of the good.

And ... Well ... Maybe I can work something positive out of the job aspects, too. I've been a passive employee for what, three and a half months now? If this job and I are doing the whole round-hole, square-peg routine, maybe I can (metaphorically) find a chisel somewhere and make the hole square.

I've known for awhile now that my boss wants ideas on organizing her office, but I've been really tentative about it, because I don't know where to start or how far she wants me to go. I cranked up the ol' courage machine today and asked her lots of questions about it, and she said basically that she wants everything organized and she will adapt to whatever the hell I want to do, she just wants order established.

Well. She'll be gone Thursday and Friday next week. When that happens, I'm going to test out my new plan of action. If all goes well, then maybe I can invest some more trust and emotion into this place, and actually get something out of my time here besides the paychecks. If not ... *shrug* I'll have to re-evaluate again, I suppose.

And maybe by the time I leave she'll have gotten used to my style sense. *laughing* Usually I wear "church" outfits, dresses and skirts, but on the occasional Thursday or Friday I break out and wear something more me. Today I wore jeans, that white man's dress shirt that I own in lieu of a blouse, and the button-decorated suit vest that a friend gave me at my last job. My supervisor just stared at it when I went in for our meeting and said, "Well, huh. You must get a lot of comments on that vest." *snickering* I should probably have my feelings hurt, but it cracked me up.

... Oh, what a day. *shaking head* I hope I can hang on to my optimism about this!