2002-06-18 - 2:52 p.m.
Daily grind? I fell off and got caught in the gears.

I sent emails yesterday to the people whose pages were affected -- I let them know that if people hadn't answered, it was due to the paging computer messing up, and I resent them, and I was sorry I hadn't caught it sooner -- and one of them replied to my message, CC: to me, but TO: my boss. My boss replied TO: her, again CC: me, going on about how *she* always checks every half hour, and how she instructed me to also do this but I must have forgotten, &etc. The message was mainly about the faults of the paging system, but it was still a virtual slap, and I certainly felt it.

Angst, angst, angst. It's good for me though, I got off my ass today and went to talk to the folks in the mental health department here. They mainly treat the people we serve, but I thought they might have a good reference for me on a community doctor that takes my insurance and treats adult AD/HD. Lo and behold, they did. So, I am now in possession of a specific phone number to a person who can help. Now I just have to work up the courage to call it.

I hate being afraid of doing things. I especially hate the fact that I'm mildly paranoid of the telephone; I get teased about that all the time. The fact is, on one level or another, almost every aspect of daily life terrifies me. Why? Because I've learned, through countless painful experiences, that I always, always, always forget something, either action or information, usually important, several times each day. On the other hand, fear & adrenaline tend to jumpstart my memory.

This makes for a nasty, vicious cycle. Whenever I stop being afraid due to success, the failures multiply all over again, which leads me right back into paranoia. And the opportunities for significant success/failure scenarios has multiplied immensely since I graduated from college. They impair my image of competence in this job, and let's face it, if a person of 149-IQ with a good college degree who doesn't want to fail can't hack even a secretary job, what kind of future does that project?

Oh, and something else mildly amusing happened today. I worked up my bills last night -- I'm so grateful that they all fall just after mid-month now, it makes things so much easier -- and realized I haven't seen a VoiceStream bill since April. So I call them and find out that they've had my cell phone off-line for a few weeks now due to an unpaid bill. So I counter that my last two bills never came, so how could I pay? And they ask me for my address. Then they ask me for my phone number. Then they ask me for my previous address & phone number, since I told them I *did* change my address around April. Finally, they asked me for my social security number to make sure I was really me, because NOTHING matched. They had some really bizarre address down that resembled no place I've ever lived, worked, or schooled at.

So, they took off the $10.00 reconnect fee due to their address-change idiocy, took down my *real* address, and billed both months' worth direct to my debit card. Yeesh. These are the same idiots that lost my brother's bills once the same way, only he didn't call, 'cause he figured it was all their fault regardless. After several months they sent it to a collection agency and destroyed the SIM card in his phone, which he appealed, and they swore they'd straighten everything out for him if he bought a new card and called them back, but he didn't call back again for awhile because he was already having problems bouncing checks and couldn't buy the card, so finally this month they sent it to a collection agency again.

There's no fixing it this time. With this, and all his other bill and bank problems, I bet his credit is pretty trashed. The funny thing is, he makes more money than I do, and I have more bills than he does, yet he's the one overdrawing and making major finance errors. I think it's because he never worries about money, and I always do. That's me, the chronically worried. Hey, see what I mean? Fear has benefits.

Anyway. On the whole, still gloomy, but slightly better than yesterday.