2002-08-27 - 12:16 p.m.
The end of the world as I know it?

I think this is it. Piss-poor timing, if you look at it one way; excellent, in another.

I've been summoned to meet with my supervisor at 1:00pm today. From the tone of conversations lately, and her earlier request for a schedule of exactly what I planned to do this morning, I think she's decided that I'm more trouble than I'm worth as an assistant.

Looks like I'm going to get the "I'm disappointed ..." and "If you don't shape up ..." type lecture today. Thing is, though, I can't promise to. It's not as though I'm deliberately being lazy, obstinate, etc., as I'm likely to hear ... as I told the Dr. yesterday, the biggest stumbling block for me is the conundrum of trying to prevent a non-event ... i.e. things not occuring to me.

I can, I suppose, tell her the official diagnosis I got yesterday: AD/HD (inattentive type) and dysthymic disorder (chronic mild depression). Obviously, those would be affecting my performance here. But I doubt she wants to hear it or deal with it. So I'm probably going to end up dragging out a version of the lecture I was hoping to save for my exit interview.

It's become increasingly apparent to me, and likely you as well, that this job does not play to my strengths. I realize that it would probably be in my best interest, and yours, to leave. I have been trying to hold on here due to the terrible job market, as I cannot afford to be unemployed, but it doesn't seem to be working out.

I can't afford to get fired. I haven't even been our family doctor yet -- the guy I've been seeing doesn't have an MD or anything, so he can't prescribe meds; he faxed a letter to the other office, which I have to make an appointment with in order to get a prescription, and then I have to go to the pharmacy. No idea how many days that will take, and I need insurance to cover it.

Maybe, if worst comes to worst, I can hold her off a week or two with that plea. I dunno; she's awfully hard-nosed when she isn't happy. Maybe I can ask to leave at Halloween? In that case, I'd only be unemployed (if things go according to plan) for a few weeks while the city my brother works for finishes budget allocations. In another sense, though, it would almost be a relief to get fired now. No more angst over this whole thing.

Ach. The glass is neither half full, nor half empty; it's just there. I suppose it's in God's hands now ... *sigh* I'm going to have to work hard to keep from overreacting in any case, though. I've been so high-strung over this whole issue for way too long.

Pray for me, if you're so inclined?