2002-09-04 - 9:34 a.m.
Color me depressed.

Some days I am made of glass, and every little thing thrown at me sends little cracks spiderwebbing everywhere. It's obscuring my view ...

Ach. Not the day to get lost in metaphor; I have a Meeting today. I talked with my boss last week re: the job thing and it wasn't too horribly painful, she expressed generalized disappointment in me because "I've seen what you can do when you're motivated, so I know you can do better at this job," etc. etc. Like I haven't heard that before; it's practically a trademark of ADD. Anyway. I gave her the "This job does not play to my strengths" speech, she asked if I was handing in my notice ...

I didn't know what to say. I mean, take a look at the market, I can't afford to just quit. So I told her I'd stay as long as she needed me to in order to make the transition to the next assistant, and no longer. She said she'd talk to HR, and I haven't heard a word since. Now, today, she's made an appointment with her boss to talk to me.

I know I'm not handling this in the best of possible ways. I shouldn't have said anything at all ... I should have just shopped for my next job, quit when the time was right, and moved on. But it hasn't worked out that way, and frankly, even penniless I think I'll be happier than I am at the daily grind right now. So I'll just have to deal with whatever comes as it comes.

*sigh* I drove my mom's minivan to work today. The mechanic said he'd probably only have my car until Thursday, and Mom said there was no point in paying $60 for two days' worth of rental car. (Dad's ancient spare pickup has proven to be difficult to start). When I got here I discovered I'd missed my last vaccine appointment -- the blood draw. It was yesterday morning, while I was busy calling around and trying not to panic about my car. I'll have to reschedule.

Something else was on my desk when I got here, a stack of computer request forms. Not unusual; I'm the one who enters them into the database system. Type 'em up, file the top copy, tear off the bottom copy and send to the requester, yadda yadda. The first form in the stack, however, has an interesting note in the "Work Done" section:

"Angela first setup but I reinstalled as it was not right. Angela if questions see me."

When I tear off the bottom copy and mail it to the requester, she'll see my supervisor's criticism of me. This isn't the first time, either. Oh, except, of course, according to my supervisor it isn't criticism, just correction, and I'm way too sensitive if I take it personally!

I'm not TOO anything, thank you very much. Just different! Hildegaard called briefly yesterday and asked what I was up to, and suggested that if I start taking Wellbutrin and/or Ritalin that things might improve. Ah, no, I said. The situation is broken, for one thing, and for another ... well, it's the original supervisor/employee personality clash. It ain't going to get any better. Besides, if I were in a good situation, then I wouldn't need the damned drugs to start with.

I prefer to change the situation, if possible, rather than rewrite my brain chemistry.

In more entertaining news, my brother bought the first two seasons of Stargate:SG1 on DVD yesterday and we started in with the first three episodes -- "Children of the Gods", "The Enemy Within", and "Emancipation". Good stuff. Good stuff. I liked that the Skaara actor was the same as the movie, but it seemed like no one else was, unless Kawalsky and/or Feretti were the same. Kawalsky sure died quick -- ouch! And I can see where Daniel was coming from ...

Captain Carter: "You can't stay awake forever."
Daniel (gesturing with coffee cup): "I can try."

Anyway. Enough blathering, must get some semblance of work done. *sigh*