2003-07-06 - 3:38 p.m.
And the beat moves on, and the beat moves on ...

Lyrics for the day:
And I want a moment to be real,
Wanna touch things I don't feel,
Wanna hold on and feel I belong.
And how can the world want me to change,
They're the ones that stay the same.
They can't see me,
But I'm still here.

They can't tell me who to be,
'Cause I'm not what they see.
And the world is still sleepin',
While I keep on dreamin' for me.
And their words are just whispers,
And lies that I'll never believe.

I called Hildegaard today. It's been months since we last spoke; I'd been checking the cell phone periodically for messages in case she'd forgotten I told her to call and leave messages only on the landline, but nothing ever showed up. After our last major conversation, when she told me that she wasn't ever going to move out here because she preferred having my apartment as a "bolt hole" instead of making the commitment of actually living near Jocasta and I, I suppose I was nursing hurt feelings and wanting her to make the next move.

Well, my resolve broke today. I miss her, damn it. She's been my best friend for going on seven years now, and at least half that she's spent hundreds of miles away. So I called, and lo and behold, she's in the middle of moving out of her apartment to live at a friends' house out there since money is really tight again, she's acquired a steady boyfriend that she's seriously in love with, and didn't sound like she cared much that it had been so long since I'd called or that she was in the middle of something and couldn't really talk.

So much for best buddyship. I think it's going to settle down into the kind of comforting, long-term friendship where you call or write every couple of months and Mmm'hmm over each others' news, rather than the intense kind where you discuss everything that happens to either of you and share in each others' highs and lows. Not that that's bad. But she has someone new to share that kind of connection with, and I've only got my brother to hang out with. I wish I did casual better; it takes way too much time, or else some seriously motivating circumstances, for me to form good friendships.

So I guess sometime next year I'll probably be alone in single status among my former best friends. (Bar a few that I've barely been in touch with since graduation. T and T, for example, might very well still be maintaning single status, but the goodwill there was lost when the more vocal of the pair had a knock-down drag-out with me over control of a certain photographic gift-project I'd initiated and mostly paid for). Hildegaard actually asked me if I'd still be willing to take another walk down the aisle as a bridesmaid! I tell you, I'm cursed; I've already done it four times already. Once as a train-girl for my aunt when I was six, and three times as maid of honor.

Not that she's discussed it with her new squeeze, I gather; they've only been official for three weeks, though they've danced around each other at least since Christmastime. (They work together, so they're much thrown into each other's presence, and Hildi hasn't much in the way of defences when it comes to romance). Nevertheless, she's thinking ahead, and she's that serious about him.

Ah well. At least I do have a goal now: the U of O, Fall 2004. I aired the idea with my parents, and they had the same "What the hell would you do with it afterward? Oh well, whatever makes you happy" attitude they gave me about my second bachelors' degree -- the Writing & Literature one. No substantive support, but no hostility toward the idea either, so I suppose that's a good thing.

*checking clock* Well I guess I'd better get moving if I'm to get to the mall and see about trading in my dying cell phone if I want to get there before the shops close; I think they're pretty rigid about the 5pm closure on the weekends. I was going to ramble a bit about the 4th of July adventures I had (we nearly took out a whole row of spectators with an illegal firework that tipped over and shot toward the crowd instead of the sky!!) and the hugely pleasant surprise that was Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, but I guess I'll wait on that 'till later.

Blessings, all.