2004-04-21 - 11:51 a.m.
Surfacing

"I will never be safe
 I will never be sane
 I will always be weary inside
 I will always be lame."
     ~ Everclear, "Father of Mine"

Upon reflection, the last two years have been a bit of a black hole for me. No, a bit more than two years; since January of 2002, if I'm calculating right. Since I stopped working for the university, scrounged up a new job as a secretary, and moved in with my brother to share living expenses.

He lost his job in January of 2003. It's now the end of April, 2004, and he's still jobless. His unemployment compensation ran out more than two months ago - that's mid-February, for those paying attention - but he didn't bother to tell me until my birthday three weeks later, when Mom questioned him about it point-blank at dinner. He didn't tell me he was staggering his bill-paying due to lack of funds until I sat down to the computer one evening a week or so after /that/ and discovered that the cable company had severed our internet access.

Just thinking about that again has an instant, negative effect on my pulse rate and blood pressure. Or should I say positive - speaking mathematically? I can feel the flush creeping up the back of my neck.

Of course, as ... irritating as that behaviour was, it's not the only reason I'm barely on the sane side of furious this morning. Last night, he blew me off for three hours when I needed assistance figuring out what the heck was wrong with my internet /this/ time after he'd been messing around with my system while I was at work. He was all, "It can't be my fault, I was only using your CD burner today to rip files off my computer, it has to be [Cable Company]. After all, I messed with your settings three /days/ ago and they were working just fine last night, right?" and "I can't do anything right now, I'm in the middle of a raid - they only have one other mage tonight, they need me there!"

Raid, shmaid. I'm trying valiantly to hold back a torrent of words far more profane. I love my brother. Don't get me wrong. But this isn't the first time he's exhibited these kinds of priorities. After all, a bunch of anonymous people out there in Everquest-land and their "flags" and "phat l00t" are more important than his own sister and her immediate needs, right? (That was sarcasm, in case you didn't notice). I don't think he's ever really /respected/ me all that much, so much as considered me a relatively low-maintenance friend slash support structure. Don't even get me started on the subjects of "shared" apartment expenses and chores.

*deep, calming breath* Thank God that's all about to change. After the cable incident, I interrogated him about his finances and loaned him $400 to pay his half of rent and the bills that were due. Next, I went to Mom to give her fair warning that if his tax refund checks should arrive (as he listed her address as his own), and if he should fail to pay me from those funds (some $900), serious mayhem would be done. Then I invoked ye old roommate clause that "if I ever have to pay rent for you, I'm putting in our 30-day notice".

April 2nd, I went to the manager; April 16th I filled out an application for a new, solo apartment; April 19th I was told that my credit was good enough that they wouldn't even require a security deposit (yay!) and could pick up my keys the 23rd; and on April 25th I'm renting a U-Haul and getting the hell out of Dodge. Of course, April 25th will also see me helping my brother move /his/ things, but they're going to Mom's house, a safe 20 miles or so from my new digs.

Poor Mom. Poor him, too, I suppose. I've done the live-at-home-with-Mom post-college thing, and that was /not/ fun for anyone concerned, but I don't think he's quite considered things on that level of detail yet. He's still pouting and moaning about my not giving him another month to get a job, and he's putting off packing -- whereas I'm totally stressed, short on sleep, and in turn (agh!) have twice in the last week been late to work. I've already sorted through all my old boxes out in the garage, thrown away three large garbage bags stuffed with things I can't believe I packed last time, and have started in on my bedroom.

I have found so many things in the last few days that I hadn't even remembered I owned -- stuff that I /should/ have remembered. Art supplies. Old textbooks. Little household decorations. My old coffee table. A box of keepsakes that I had kept stowed under my bed in college. Favorite coffee mugs. Board games. Half of my music CD collection. Etcetera.

I was aghast. Have I really been hiding /that much/ of myself these past two years? You know, I really think I have. I managed to keep up with my creative impulses a little during 2002 -- I started several fanfiction projects then, while I had the uber-crappy first secretary job that bored me to tears -- but after I quit that job in September, my output dropped significantly. Check the archives here, too; I posted fairly often before then. Oh, I know, there have been "I don't think need this venue anymore" messages here during the scarce months, but I'm not so sure now that that was really true, so much as I had put on blinders and started ignoring all the things that might make me dissatisfied with the life I was leading. I know from clinical depression, after all, and didn't want to go there again. So I understand the self-protective impulse. But now I feel like I'm waking up, and I don't like what the last couple of years have done to me, personally.

I'm more successful and more confident in my job now. This is true. I am also, however, 40 pounds overweight, on Ritalin to keep me from self-destructing at work, and have produced next to no creative output since last summer. All my return-to-academia goals keep falling through. I have yet to stick to an exercise plan - I'm usually mentally exhausted after a day's work, and I'm self-conscious about using the machine with my brother present. I have constant insomnia due to the fact that my brother cannot /stand/ the quiet and always has several electronic devices on at once -- TV, two computers, little TV for his PS2 -- That may be all very well and good if you can't /hear/ that high-pitched electronic whine, but I /can/, and it drives me /mad/, and he doesn't /care/. He pouts if I turn off the TV at 11 pm, for Heaven's sake, after he's had it on at least since I got home from work!!! I need a couple of hours of mellow wind-down time each day, at least, and he's /never/ understood that.

It's always been easier for me to keep my head down until things get to unbearable levels, rather than to make objections at every turn, especially around people that I (a) care about, (b) am related to, or (c) both. I hate making waves. I know that about myself. I should have realised the danger two years ago and refused to room with my brother, but my mom thought it was such a great idea at the time, and my other friends were all either married or out-of-state, and it /was/ a financially sound plan, and up 'till then we usually got along fairly well ...

I'm just glad that my brother's financial status finally gave me an iron-clad reason to dump him out on his arse. It's going to be a much-needed wake-up call for him, I think, and as for me, I feel as though I've just been released from prison.

Hmm. I just paused to skim through the last year's meagre collection of entries, and you know -- I did talk about this very same issue last March, just after my 25th birthday. I guess I haven't been /consistently/ blind to the problems -- just systematically suppressing them after each outburst. Why did I never push this issue? Why did I let the "he's still getting unemployment money so you have no real excuse" argument and the mental image of my mother's disapproving face keep me stuck with him so damned long?

Well, that's all behind me now. I'm 26 years old. I'm about to start my first solo living situation, ever. My new apartment is only /blocks/ away from the local community college. Maybe this time, I'll be able to hold onto a set of goals for longer than a few months.

Well, that's all the self-examination I can stomach - or have time for - today. Maybe next week, after I've moved and have the internet connected at my new place, I can make another attempt at thinking things through 'out loud'. Maybe even read some more old entries, and check up on old on-line friends. It really /has/ been awhile.

Blessings,
--Shell